Trouble With In-Laws;
What a Tangled Web They Weave!

Do you and your spouse have trouble with in-laws? Do they intrude on your marriage? Been there, done that!

My husband and I are the "babies" in each of our families. Needless to say, after both of us had been through bad first marriages, it seemed as though our families felt as though they had to "protect" their younger siblings this go-round. We hit a few small bumps in the road with my family, but nothing really major. They understood my love for my new husband, accepted my choices, and stayed within their boundaries. My husband's family, on the other hand, was a different story. One of the biggest differences between our two families were that both my parents were still living, but both my husband's parents were deceased. This seemed to have unleashed an instinctive responsibility of his older brother and sisters to take care of their "little brother", who was age 26 at the time. I took all of this into consideration, but it sure wasn't easy at the time! In most cases, the trouble with in-laws usually happen with the parents of a spouse, but in our case it was the siblings. In-laws can intrude various ways, including but not limited to, physically entering the home, calling constantly on the phone day after day, or verbally interfering with the husband/wife relationship.

Refer to Genesis 2:24, where it states "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh". From the beginning, God saw the importance of giving these instructions to couples. Think about it - LEAVE and JOIN! This is God's command to "cut the cord" and become one with your spouse. If your spouse cannot see the problem with their own in-laws, they need to make a decision of what's more important according to this verse - the respect of the parents (or siblings) or the respect of their mate? Has this spouse pursued the fact that their mate's opinion should be first in the marriage?

The best place to find the resolution for these issues are in the Bible and that should be the standard for truth in your marriage. God has set boundaries to give us guidance and protection. Below, I have listed some of the boundaries that would be wise to institute and agree upon in your own marriage. Please note: If you are experiencing communication issues with your spouse, please be sure to review that section before trying to set boundaries.

2 - Set TIME boundaries. This includes how much time will be spent at the family's home or how much time they will spend in yours. You should also set time limits on phone calls - quantity, length, and time of calls.

3 - Set DECISION-MAKING boundaries. Both husband and wife are to make the decisions and should not consult the other family members first. Upon mutual agreement, the decision made should not be changed if an extended family member disapproves.

4 - Set boundaries concerning the DISCIPLINE OF CHILDREN. These boundaries should also be upheld at the in-laws' home in order not to create confusion in the children. Do not allow the in-laws to violate your boundary agreement.

Once these boundaries are set and in place, you should communicate them to the in-laws as soon as the issue occurs. You will have trouble with this if they do not realize that these boundaries were a mutual agreement of husband AND wife. Be sure to lead off the conversation with "my husband and I have decided" or vice versa. This immediately tells them that it was a unanimous decision. If the in-laws choose not to abide by the boundaries you and your spouse set, then it's time for both of you to have a heart-to-heart talk with them.

I hope this information has been helpful to you. Please sign up on the left for my monthly newsletter, Seasons, to find more tips on dealing with in-laws.

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